It's common to be unsure of your own gender identity. For some of us, however, the gender we were assigned at birth is not the same as the gender we are. When our gender identity does not match the gender we were assigned at birth, it can cause great physical and psychological discomfort. This discomfort is often called gender dysphoria. It is common for transgender and non-binary people to experience gender dysphoria, and for many it is necessary to take hormones and other medical treatment to make the gender dysphoria disappear. However, you don't have to experience gender dysphoria to be trans or non-binary - our gender identity is up to us.
When we tell others that we are experiencing gender dysphoria, we are revealing painful feelings. We then put ourselves in a vulnerable position. If you want to be the best possible support for us, you can take these important principles with you:
When we confide in someone about our gender dysphoria or gender identity, it's crucial to listen with empathy and without judgement. It can be challenging to share something so personal and vulnerable, and how you respond can affect how we feel about our identity. Ask open-ended questions and let us share our story at our own pace. For example, you could ask: "How can I best support you in this?" This signals that you're willing to be a supportive resource without pressurising us to explain more than we want to.
One of the most basic ways to show respect for someone experiencing gender dysphoria is to use the correct name and pronouns. If I've shared my name and pronouns with you, it's important to use them consistently. This shows respect for our gender identity. If you're unsure about which pronouns to use, it's perfectly fine to ask directly: "What pronouns do you use?" It's better to ask than to assume. If you later make a mistake, apologise and go back to using the correct name and pronoun. We don't always feel confident enough to correct you when you make mistakes with names or pronouns. If you make a mistake and are corrected, it is therefore important to say thank you.
Navigating your gender identity and figuring out what feels right for each of us is an individual process that can sometimes take a long time. Some of us choose to undergo medical or legal changes, while others do not. Whatever we choose, it's important to be patient and respect our decisions without pressurising us to "explain" or "prove" our gender identity. For many of us, finding ourselves can be a journey with many ups and downs. Being there as a supporter without pressurising or expecting quick answers can make a big difference.
Questions about your body, medical choices or sexual identity can often be inappropriate and
offensive, especially if they don't come from a place of deep trust. We understand that some people may be curious if they rarely meet trans people, but being constantly asked in-depth questions about your own body is demanding over time. Unless we choose to talk about our own bodies, we advise allies to leave the subject alone. Remember, it's not normal to ask cis people in-depth questions about their relationship with their own bodies either! If you have genuine questions about trans identity or gender dysphoria and how to be a better ally, there are many resources available where you can learn more without causing anyone emotional discomfort.
Showing support for trans and non-binary people isn't just about what you say, but also what you do. Stand up for our rights and dignity, and show support by creating safe spaces where our identity is recognised. This may mean correcting others who use the wrong name or pronoun. Before you start correcting others' misuse of names and pronouns, it's important to talk to the individual trans person about whether it's okay to show support in this way. This is because not all of us are open and out in all environments, and correcting misuse of names and pronouns in an environment where the trans person is not out can create more discomfort for them. Another way to be supportive is to make sure that the events and gatherings you attend are inclusive of trans and non-binary people. In addition, you can actively support organisations and initiatives that work for transgender rights, such as us at Queer World, which works to promote rights and belonging for queer people with minority backgrounds.
For those of us who experience gender dysphoria, this can be very stressful both mentally and emotionally. If someone shares their experience of gender dysphoria with you, it's important that you recognise the pain that can accompany this experience. While it may be difficult to fully understand for those of you who haven't experienced it yourself, it's important not to trivialise or dismiss the feelings that we share. Even simple phrases like "I understand that this must be very difficult for you." can show empathy and make us feel seen and heard.
It's important to remember that gender identity is one part of an individual's experience, but it doesn't define our entire identity. It's just as important to recognise our other interests, talents and identities. We are first and foremost human beings with unique qualities and characteristics, just like everyone else.
Meeting someone who is unsure of their gender identity is first and foremost about showing respect, understanding and empathy. By listening, using the right language, being patient and offering support through action, you can help the person feel seen and accepted in their entirety. Queer communities like us at Queer World play an important role in creating safe spaces for queer people so that everyone can feel welcome and valued. The ultimate goal is for us to feel proud of our own trans identity, and strong communities of supportive people are one of the most important things we can have. Enjoying the way your gender is expressed and perceived is often called gender euphoria!
